I'm lost and stupid without you.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
