Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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