Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize