I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
