sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
