i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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