you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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