Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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