what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
