The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you win again, gameday.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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