My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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