Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
