I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
