Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
