dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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