my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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