Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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