I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
