god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
