Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
