Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize