I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
