I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
