K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
