the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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