White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
