Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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