barbara walters just said penis...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
