I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
