I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
