I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
