By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My life is pants optional.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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