laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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