If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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