you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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