barbara walters just said penis...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize