And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
