Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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