the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
