Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
