The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize