You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
