oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I FOUND THE LEGS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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