Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
