In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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