This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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