P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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