I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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