The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
