The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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