Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
worst night to have a conscience
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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