Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I think i got beer on your cat.
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