I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
