omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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