the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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