:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
