So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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