So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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