why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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