I think I won the penis lottery.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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